9. The Perfectly Decorated Home

Does your living room look like this?

If it does, I'm a little bit jealous, because my living room currently looks more like this:

8. Spike

Glittering and sharp, this tree is as beautiful as it is dangerous.  Do not attempt to hang ornaments without gloves.

7. Bad Teacher Gifts

Okay, I'm not a teacher.  But my mom taught preschool for nearly two decades, and I saw a lot of teacher gifts come into the house.  So I feel slightly qualified.  And there's nothing teachers appreciate more than the opinions of the slightly qualified, except maybe ornaments shaped like apples.

A.  The Gift Card

Pros: Like getting cash, in a range of denominations from "I threw in a few bucks on the group gift" to "thank you from the bottom of my wallet for giving me a break from this kid."  A way to let teacher choose something nice that teacher wouldn't buy for himself.  Easily regifted.

6. Dueling Advent Calendars

If you happen to have two or more children, you can ratchet up the anticipation of opening up the doors on the advent calendar each day by giving each child a completely different kind of calendar.

5. The Long-Winded and Self-Indulgent Holiday Concert

Pictured: The Festivus Oratorio

4. Useless Gifts

I'm not talking about the kinds of useless gifts that are beautiful or hilarious or made with love by well-meaning admirers.  Those can be awesome.  I'm talking about the ones like this:

Regifted in white elephants and secret Santa exchanges continuously from 1992-present, the identity of the original giver has long since been lost. 

3. What the Cat Is Eating

You know how it is.  You're in some dimly lit room, maybe because you're enjoying the glow of the Christmas tree, maybe because it's 3 in the morning and you're in bed, sleeping.  You hear a suspicious rustling sound and you see the cat crouched in the corner of the room, eyes gleaming, something odd in her mouth.  Of course it is safe to assume that whatever kitty is eating is deadly or at least deadly to your favorite rug.   But what is it?

Here is a quick Guide to What The Cat is Eating.  In silhouette.

Appearance:  Cat has grown fangs and is foaming at the mouth.
Cat is Eating:  Small stuffed sheep from the nativity.

2. The Wifty Tree

The long, silky needles and soft, gentle branches of the wifty tree practically beg you to touch them.  And indeed, you may enjoy petting this tree for hours and hours of holiday fun.  But when it comes time to decorate, beware;

Unnecessary Winter Holiday Traditions: 1. The Inflatable Yard Experience

I promised more cartoons, so here you go.  A mini-series, from now until Christmas, of Unnecessary Holiday Traditions that I made up.  You're welcome.

1.  The Inflatable Yard Experience

Why confine your Christmas joy to a measly six foot inflatable snow globe in the front yard?  With the Inflatable Yard Experience, you can make your entire house

The Big Box Super Discount Store Babywearing Workout

In honor of International Babywearing Week.

Overwhelmed by chores?  No time to work out?  Don't worry, you can work out while you shop with this easy routine!  Don't believe me?  It's true, you can become buff while buying that two-year supply of mayonnaise that you've always wanted, with the Big Box Super Discount Store Babywearing Workout!

Step 1:
Obtain a small child of at least 15 pounds.



You can use one of your own kids, or borrow one from a friend.  In fact, I'd be happy to loan you one of mine, and not just because Matthew and I are desperate for a child-free date night.  No, it's because I care about your health.  Heck, I'll even come along to record the experience for posterity, because this workout is going to be so amazing for you!

Step 2:

Parents, Pick Your Costumes

We got another one of those cheesy Halloween costume catalogs from the party store.  You know the type, with the costumes under $30 and made of slightly shiny materials not found in nature.  The costumes usually fall into one of three categories:

Naughty Lady

Includes classics such as Naughty Storybook Ingenue, Naughty Thing to Eat, Naughty Traditionally Female Profession, and Naughty Animal.

Pros:  Cheesy pick-up lines virtually guaranteed.  Headbands with cute little ears.  Fairy wings.
Cons:  Photos.  The internet.  That dream job you'll be applying for 5 years from now.

Scary Man