Monday, October 10, 2011

The Big Box Super Discount Store Babywearing Workout

In honor of International Babywearing Week.

Overwhelmed by chores?  No time to work out?  Don't worry, you can work out while you shop with this easy routine!  Don't believe me?  It's true, you can become buff while buying that two-year supply of mayonnaise that you've always wanted, with the Big Box Super Discount Store Babywearing Workout!

Step 1:
Obtain a small child of at least 15 pounds.

You can use one of your own kids, or borrow one from a friend.  In fact, I'd be happy to loan you one of mine, and not just because Matthew and I are desperate for a child-free date night.  No, it's because I care about your health.  Heck, I'll even come along to record the experience for posterity, because this workout is going to be so amazing for you!

Step 2:

Go to one of those ginormous discount warehouse stores where you buy everything in bulk.

Make sure you have a nice long shopping list!

Step 3:
Apply your Amazing Weight Resistance Technology Device (aka child) to your body via baby carrier.

Are you both comfy?  Good!  Now you are ready to begin your workout.  Warm up by walking briskly and confidently into the store, pumping your arms to increase blood circulation.    Woo-hoo!

Step 4:
Begin shopping.  Lift products using a nice bicep curl motion.  Try to gradually work your way up to heavier items.  Seven pounds of shampoo!  Thirteen pounds of raisins!  Forty pounds of cat litter!

All the while, keep up a brisk pace of walking, or your Amazing Weight Resistance Device may spy the toy aisle and begin the Amazing Shrieking Flail of Doom.

Step 5:
Congratulations!  You have reached the back of the store.  It is now time for the Perilous Diaper Blowout Heart Rate Increase.

Sprint to the front of the store, where the restrooms are located.

Step 6:
Return to the back of the store to complete your shopping.  Uh-oh, your Amazing Weight Resistance Device is beginning to get bored.  It is now time to increase your aerobic activity by incorporating a Ridiculous Looking Dance.  Don't worry, it's why they have that music playing.  Look, over by the deli counter, other people are dancing who aren't even wearing babies.  Go for it!*

Don't forget to keep doing those curls as you put items in your cart.  And is your cart getting heavy now?  Like you've perhaps accidentally purchased an elephant?  Good!
*Please note, however, that once you begin dancing, you can't stop until the child grows bored, or you risk the Amazing Shrieking Flail of Doom.  The child will become bored anywhere from 30 seconds to 6 hours from now.

Step 7:
Okay!  You've obtained your items.  You're almost done.  Get in the checkout line, but don't let that slow down your workout.  In fact, now that you're standing still, the baby is getting bored again.  Dance faster!

Forget the in-store music and break out choreography from shows you did in high school.  It has been scientifically proven* that your brain remembered time steps for this very reason!

*This is not true.  And what you are doing in no way resembles a real time step.  You just think it does.

Step 8:
You made it through the checkout line, whew!  Now begin your cool down by taking a leisurely stroll to the car, while pushing your cart of 9,000 items.

Begin unloading items and placing them in your car.  Uh-oh, it won't all fit in your Civic with a car seat taking up room in the back?  No problem, take all the items out and put them back in again and again until you get it jut right.  Feel your arm muscles growing.

Step 10:
Remove Amazing Weight Resistance Device and give her a hug.  She's been great.

And pat yourself on the back, because you've been great, too.