Thursday, October 6, 2011

Parents, Pick Your Costumes

We got another one of those cheesy Halloween costume catalogs from the party store.  You know the type, with the costumes under $30 and made of slightly shiny materials not found in nature.  The costumes usually fall into one of three categories:

Naughty Lady

Includes classics such as Naughty Storybook Ingenue, Naughty Thing to Eat, Naughty Traditionally Female Profession, and Naughty Animal.

Pros:  Cheesy pick-up lines virtually guaranteed.  Headbands with cute little ears.  Fairy wings.
Cons:  Photos.  The internet.  That dream job you'll be applying for 5 years from now.

Scary Man

Includes classics such as Ghost Face Man, Melting Face Man, Face Eaten Off Man, Alien Man, Monster Man, and Death Man.

Pros:  When Naughty Storybook Ingenue removes your mask, your actual face will probably look good in comparison.  In a mask, no one can see you cry.
Cons:  Gross.  Naughty Storybook Ingenue may avoid you.  Residual mask stink.

Doofy Man

Includes such classics as Doofy Food Product Man, Doofy Condiment Man, Doofy Writing Implement Man, Doofy Tourist Man.

Pros:  Non-threatening.  Figure flaws are easily disguised.
Cons:  Unattractive.  Can't sit down.  Figure flaws are assumed.  Scary Death Man has a greater chance of going home with the Naughty Animal Lady.

But let's face it.  None of these are really appealing to me at the moment.  I need a costume that's more "me."  Like one of these:

Naughty Obvious Liar Parent

Pros:  It is required that you consume chocolate to create this costume.  An excuse to wear old, stained clothing in public.
Cons:  May be indistinguishable from usual look.  Kids will likely complain about me not sharing or some nonsense like that.

Scary Screaming Parent

Pros:  Naturally occurs during periods of prolonged sleep deprivation.
Cons:  May be indistinguishable from usual look.  Hoarseness.  Ineffective parenting technique.  Bad hair.

Intentionally Doofy Parent

Pros:  You've got nothing to lose.  Except that awful toy.
Cons:  Dishonest.  Works less often than you would like.

What will you be for Halloween this year?

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