We got another one of those cheesy Halloween costume catalogs from the party store. You know the type, with the costumes under $30 and made of slightly shiny materials not found in nature. The costumes usually fall into one of three categories:
Includes classics such as Naughty Storybook Ingenue, Naughty Thing to Eat, Naughty Traditionally Female Profession, and Naughty Animal.
Pros: Cheesy pick-up lines virtually guaranteed. Headbands with cute little ears. Fairy wings.
Cons: Photos. The internet. That dream job you'll be applying for 5 years from now.
Includes classics such as Ghost Face Man, Melting Face Man, Face Eaten Off Man, Alien Man, Monster Man, and Death Man.
Pros: When Naughty Storybook Ingenue removes your mask, your actual face will probably look good in comparison. In a mask, no one can see you cry.
Cons: Gross. Naughty Storybook Ingenue may avoid you. Residual mask stink.
Includes such classics as Doofy Food Product Man, Doofy Condiment Man, Doofy Writing Implement Man, Doofy Tourist Man.
Pros: Non-threatening. Figure flaws are easily disguised.
Cons: Unattractive. Can't sit down. Figure flaws are assumed. Scary Death Man has a greater chance of going home with the Naughty Animal Lady.
But let's face it. None of these are really appealing to me at the moment. I need a costume that's more "me." Like one of these:
Naughty Obvious Liar Parent
Pros: It is required that you consume chocolate to create this costume. An excuse to wear old, stained clothing in public.
Cons: May be indistinguishable from usual look. Kids will likely complain about me not sharing or some nonsense like that.
Scary Screaming Parent
Pros: Naturally occurs during periods of prolonged sleep deprivation.
Cons: May be indistinguishable from usual look. Hoarseness. Ineffective parenting technique. Bad hair.
Intentionally Doofy Parent
Pros: You've got nothing to lose. Except that awful toy.
Cons: Dishonest. Works less often than you would like.
What will you be for Halloween this year?